DJ Sathiya: Learning the Value of Self-Worth

The musician and nightlife veteran in Singapore offers a message of hope to anyone who’s ever been hurt, betrayed or taken advantage of.

Content warning – this profile piece discusses the subject of suicide that may be sensitive and potentially triggering. Reader discretion is advised. Information about seeking help is available at the end of the post. Stay safe.

“There were two occasions in my life where I attempted suicide. I just couldn’t handle being cheated on in a relationship. The first time I experienced depression, I was 25 and had just gotten married. But a day after our marriage, she asked for a divorce.

My first wife wasn’t local or from my ethnic group. I tried to hold on to our marriage for as long as I could. She was four months pregnant with our baby, but went ahead and got an abortion. She demanded huge sums of money if I wanted to stay married to her.

When she wanted to walk away from our marriage, I remember putting my leg over the parapet of my HDB block. I told her, ‘You walk away, I’ll jump.’ She told me to jump. She didn’t care, and she just kept walking. It felt like somebody had slapped me on my head.

We eventually separated because there was no point in holding on, especially after I saw her with another man. Maybe I started experiencing depression after that. I started to drink and smoke almost everyday. But I still worked and did my DJ gigs. Music was my escape.

I first learnt how to deejay when I was 17. I didn’t even have the money to join a DJ course back then. When I told my teacher I only had $50, he was very kind and said that was enough. I still keep the receipt for memories. I can show you. I had it laminated.

I’ve been a DJ in Singapore’s nightlife industry for 25 years now. I started working right after National Service. I’ve also released music independently since 2007. Many of my songs became hits in Singapore, so I’m quite established locally. I’ve sung for Tamil movies as well.

For the future of local independent music, I created a record label with other DJ friends. I’ve helped a lot of students who looked up to me over the years. I taught them the craft and gave them opportunities. Many of them went on to have successful careers in the industry.

But ever since COVID-19 hit Singapore a few years ago, I’ve cut ties with everyone in the scene. The nightlife industry took a big hit because crowds and live performances were not allowed. To survive, I had to focus on a new career in the security industry.

I stopped talking to everyone because I can’t trust anyone. Friends I’ve known for 20 years smiled to my face, but did all kinds of manipulative things behind my back. I was only a friend when I benefited them somehow.

The incident has traumatised me so badly, I’m afraid I’ll go into depression again. After what I had experienced with my ex-wife, I know what depression feels like. You feel like a dead man walking. You don’t even want to eat. For days my family had to beg me to eat.

It feels like somebody is choking you, and flashes of what people did to you cross your mind. The question that I would always ask myself is, what did I ever do to them for them to do this to me? All I’ve ever done in a relationship was give my everything.

Reaching my boiling point, I reached out to a friend. He told me the answer to my depression wasn’t alcohol, cigarettes or even music. He told me to hit the gym. And so I quit smoking, quit drinking, and signed up for a gym membership. I was 185kg, and I lost about 40kg.

You know, after I separated from my ex-wife, I was in many other toxic relationships. Some cheated on me. Some just left, leaving me clueless. But I noticed a pattern. They all wanted me to quit deejaying and get a full-time job to support them. They also body shamed me.

After everything I had been through, I had no more desire for marriage or relationships. I was done. But against all odds, fate introduced me to a good woman. After a year of getting to know each other, she agreed to become my wife. I’m now a father to our newborn son.

My wife is very different from everyone I’ve ever dated. She’s a very private person, so she’s not active on social media. She’s also not materialistic, and never once has she asked me to quit deejaying. As long as I’m financially responsible, she wants me to continue my music.

Looking back upon my journey, I thought I was very strong mentally, but I was brought to a point where I wanted to take my own life. For what? Some silly girl? Then what about my parents and siblings who love me? Do they deserve this?

Just remember that there’s plenty of fish in the sea. Some people get a big catch quickly. Some need to wait a little longer to catch anything. My point is, just because you didn’t catch anything, are you going to jump into the sea and kill yourself? No. You just need patience.

Life works in strange ways. You could be with someone for 10 years, thinking you’re going to marry the person, yet somehow, it doesn’t work out. And then you date someone new for less than a month, and she’s the one. You can’t deny what fate has written for you.

I’ve also changed a lot in my professional relationships. Once upon a time, I wanted to have a lot of friends. I wanted to be that guy people could count on when they needed me. I was so naive, foolish and easily manipulated. Now, I’m more focused on quality than quantity.

I only have about three to four friends at this stage of my life. Some I have known since I was 18; others I got to know later in life when I was in my thirties. They are sincere souls; very trustworthy. They never ask anything of me, yet are always there for me.

It took me a very long time to realise this, but nothing is more important than your mental health, be it in love or career. Life is about the decisions you make, so choose wisely, and always protect your peace of mind.” – DJ Sathiya 

Interview by: Arman Shah

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Music by DJ Sathiya

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Suicide Prevention and Crisis Helplines

Samaritans of Singapore