Jason Chua: “Beng Who Cooks” Shares His Journey with Depression

The popular Singaporean chef and content creator talks about his mental health struggles behind his boisterous online persona.

“When you have depression, you don’t have motivation for anything. You’re tired all the time, and you operate on auto-pilot. You’re just going through the motions every day. You wake up, go to work, then go home. You don’t feel love. You don’t feel hate. You’re just a zombie.

When you’re alone, it’s scary how the voice fills up the void in your head. Sometimes it’s good noise. Other times, it’s noise telling you it’s time to die. I’m not saying me-time isn’t good, but being alone for too long can be bad. It’s unpredictable; a mental battle every day.

The first time I attempted suicide, the voice in my head told me that my life had no purpose. In that moment, you’re not even afraid of death. You don’t feel anything, actually. I walked in front of a moving car, but the driver noticed me and slowed down in time.

I’ve tried to take my life four times. I’ve even attempted to jump down from the 16th floor of a HDB building. But somehow, I fail each time. Maybe I chickened out at the last minute. Maybe it just wasn’t my time.

I think the final straw was hearing my son call out for me. That boy is very attached to me. We were at home one day, and while he was playing, I left the room to end my life. But when I heard him call out for his papa, it was like an alarm call. I needed to stay alive for him.

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 30. I think what started it was a good friend and business partner leaving me and our F&B business. My therapist told me that may have triggered trust and abandonment issues that I’ve carried with me since I was a teen. 

But that wasn’t the only contributor to my depression. At the time, I just got my BTO, renovation work was starting, and my kid came into the picture. Everything happened at the same time, and I was very overwhelmed. More than anything, I just felt overworked.

I’m still working hard now and running my F&B business. Beng Who Cooks (BWC) currently operates two private canteen stalls serving Singapore Airlines staff and employees. But I do have plans to expand and make BWC available to the public again.

As a self-employed guy, I’ve learnt a lot in my business journey. BWC went from a hawker stall to a restaurant to a café. I learnt about interpersonal relationships the hard way with five ex-business partners, and I’m still clearing debt from my failed businesses. 

The worst thing about it all wasn’t losing money. You can always recover money you’ve lost, but you can’t recover your mental health. And I have a traditional mindset. I don’t share bad news with my family, and unfortunately, my wife and I got into arguments because of that.

My wife is a teacher, so she’s also very busy. She didn’t realise I was suffering from depression. It’s not her fault – I was the one who kept everything bottled up. I wasn’t screaming for help. I was just a man floating in the water, hoping someone would see me.

My wife loves me because I’m very motivated and energetic. But when I became depressed, I started to grow lazy, demotivated and quiet. She got frustrated seeing me like that. One day, when we were having an argument, I opened up about what I was going through.  

It was a very peaceful and mature conversation. I told her that I was secretly seeing a therapist. She started to understand why I was the way I was during that period. She also started to read up and understand more about depression. 

The voice still visits me maybe two to three days a week, especially when I’m alone. You can’t be around people 24/7, right? But like what I told my therapist, I’ve learnt to be friends with my depression. Whether that voice is a good or bad friend depends on how I manage it.

Remembering that I’m alive for my son helps me a lot. I’m practically living for our son now. My wife hates it when I say this, but I feel like I’m on borrowed time. I barely get enough sleep every day because I’m working very hard for the two of them. 

I’ve been talking to a lot of troubled youths on a voluntary basis. It’s funny how I’m supposed to be helping them, but I’m the one who’s benefiting more from listening and talking to them. When I reflect on the sharing sessions, I wonder why I don’t tell myself what I just told them. 

I would tell them, whatever you’re going through in life, try your best to live for the moment. People are always chasing long-term happiness. You think you’ll be happy once you’ve reached a certain milestone or achieved a certain goal, but that’s not promised.

Right now, I’m striving to be happy and living for every second. It’s the hardest thing to do, but you have to stop constantly thinking about the future and just enjoy the present. Yes, work hard now for a better future, but don’t wait for later to be happy. Be content now.” – Jason Chua, Beng Who Cooks Founder

Interview by Arman Shah

---

READ: STORIES ABOUT RESILIENCE