This contribution was developed in partnership with gentleHelp. Amy’s account reflects her family’s experience of arranging home-based care.
As her mother’s dementia progressed beyond what the family could manage alone, Amy struggled to find suitable care—until the right caregivers made it possible for her mother to remain at home, surrounded by family.
“Your mother can no longer be cared for at home. Both you and your father have tried your best, but it is time to consider a nursing home.”
My mother’s long-time specialist had confirmed what my family and I feared, but resisted admitting: caring for her at home, on our own, was no longer sustainable.
My mother lives with dementia and other complex medical needs. As her condition deteriorated, she could no longer function independently or understand her surroundings. Night wandering and behavioural outbursts became frequent, leaving my father and me severely exhausted.
We had always believed we were the best people to care for her. Her doctor, however, recognised our burnout immediately. She told us gently that accepting help was not the same as giving up.
The search that broke my heart
We began with nursing homes within an eight-kilometre radius. My elderly father does not drive, so being close enough for regular visits mattered. What followed was demoralising.
One home declined after reviewing my mother’s medical report because her needs were considered too high-risk. She required close, continuous attention, and the facilities we approached could not provide the level of individual support she needed.
We considered at least three homes, including a dementia-focused facility costing more than $6,000 a month. Its staff were helpful, but the environment and staffing arrangements did not feel suitable for my mother’s needs.
The facility was not air-conditioned, and families supplied additional fans. My mother has always struggled with the heat. I also worried about whether a shared-care setting could respond safely when her behaviour became especially difficult.
Institutional care can be the right choice for many families. For ours, however, the options available did not provide the combination of familiarity, proximity and individual attention that my mother required.
More than finding a helper
We turned again to home-based care. A contact in social services shared a list of agencies offering caregivers with impressive qualifications. I soon learned that credentials matter, but they do not guarantee attentiveness, initiative or a good household fit.
One specialised caregiver we engaged remained on her phone while my mother struggled to rise from bed. The incident, captured on CCTV, frightened us. We ended the arrangement soon afterwards.
By the time I contacted gentleHelp, months of searching had worn me down. I expected another transactional conversation. Instead, the team took time to understand my mother’s medical conditions, behaviour, living arrangements and the temperament the role demanded.
They shortlisted candidates against those needs and did not pressure us to accept a profile that felt wrong. They also explained the application and work-permit process clearly, removing practical burdens when our family was already stretched.
Careful listening, realistic matching and administrative guidance made the search manageable again. More importantly, we could focus on finding someone able to build trust with my mother.
When the right help arrived
Romay’s résumé gave us a glimmer of hope. She did not hold a specialised certificate, but she had substantial hands-on experience caring for someone with needs similar to my mother’s. Our family liked her during the first video interview.
Still, we wanted to be honest. Romay had another offer with a simpler job scope, so we explained the difficult moments she might face and encouraged her to take several days to decide.
When she accepted, something clicked into place. Her professionalism and initiative appeared almost immediately. Within a week, she understood the household’s routines and was trying different ways to engage my mother, adjusting patiently when an approach did not work.
Romay noticed what needed doing without waiting to be instructed. Most importantly, she kept my mother safe and comfortable while treating her with dignity. We later hired a second caregiver so both could rest while providing round-the-clock support.
A year earlier, I had despaired because none of the homes we explored could meet my mother’s needs. Today, she remains in familiar surroundings, with her husband and children nearby and caregivers who respond to difficult moments with patience.
Home-based care is not effortless or suitable for every household. It requires sufficient resources, space, careful oversight and sustainable rest arrangements for caregivers. For our family, however, the right support made remaining at home possible.
What I wish someone had told me
First, families may have more than one viable path. A nursing home can offer essential professional support, while well-organised home care can preserve familiarity and family connection. The best choice depends on the person, household and resources available.
Second, the organisation helping you matters. A responsible agency should ask detailed questions, explain trade-offs, set realistic expectations and allow time for a careful match. Families under pressure should not be rushed into accepting the first available profile.
Third, qualifications should be considered alongside character and relevant experience. Training is valuable, but empathy, attentiveness and initiative shape everyday care. The strongest match brings these qualities together and supports the caregiver in using them consistently.
Finally, seeking help is not a failure. Many families wait until exhaustion turns into resentment, conflict or unsafe care. Starting the conversation earlier gives everyone more time to consider options and prepare for a transition.
I cannot say that home is always the best place, because every family’s situation is different. I can say that, with the right people and support, home became the best kind of care for my mother.
Story and photographs contributed by Amy Yeong
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